Conflicts and Consecration

Every married couple has arguments. I know I do in mine. Actually, I’m probably the one who starts most of them and according to Dr. John Gottman’s research it’s pretty normal for the wife to do that. It doesn’t mean I like it though. I certainly don’t think his findings excuse my behavior. That’s probably because I like having a happy marriage and I want to do whatever I can to maintain it. Maybe you’re like me and want to know what you can do to change or improve. Well, Dr. Gottman has some great suggestions:

1. Soften your start-up.

2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.

3. Soothe yourself and each other.

4. Compromise.

5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.

I think for me, the best place to focus first is to make sure I’m using soft start-ups when I have a complaint. “Complain but don’t blame. Remember: “I feel…”; about what?...; and “I need…”” are Gottman’s suggestions to help your start-up be soft. I don’t want to be harsh, but sometimes my emotions get the better of me and I let them blurt themselves out. Well, I certainly have better manners than that around acquaintances and friends. It’s clearly controllable behavior.

My husband gives every part of himself to our marriage and family. He is humble, forgiving, patient with me, and sacrifices for the good of our marriage. He is not perfect, thus my complaints, but he is one of the best examples I have of managing conflict as well as consecrating himself for us. He is all about loving and serving his spouse. (Gosh, aren’t I lucky?) It’s as if it is natural for him. I don’t know how, but I am sure grateful to be the benefactor. My mom offered me advice before my marriage about my marriage: “Remember to serve him.” I tried not to be offended that she felt like she needed to say that, but as the first few years of marriage passed on, I realized how right she was in pointing that out to me. I was grateful I had such a clear reminder of what I needed to do to improve my happiness in my marriage. I still have to remind myself of my mother’s wise advice. It doesn’t come natural for me. I have to conscientiously think, “Find ways to serve him today.” Those days are happy days! Truly, wonderful days of marital relations. He feels loved, I feel love towards him, AND I feel love from him. It’s happy.

So, yes, conflicts come up but remembering I’m speaking with someone I love, helps me start-up softly and we find resolve through open, loving communication…most of the time. (Hey hey, just being real. I’m not perfect either!)

Citations:

       Gottman, John M., "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" (2015), Harmony Publications