Many of us recognize the
commitment of fidelity we make in the marriage ceremony. Then there’s the
actual marriage. Fidelity in marriage is far more reaching than keeping
physical intimacy between you and your spouse. Have you heard of emotional
intimacy, emotional fidelity?
Professor Kenneth W.
Matheson described emotional infidelity this way:
“Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions and
thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat
that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind.
Emotional infidelity doesn’t usually happen
suddenly; rather, it occurs gradually—often imperceptibly at first. This is
one reason why those involved often feel innocent of any wrongdoing.”
So take a quick quiz and
ask yourself these questions to check your possibility of falling into the trap
of emotional infidelity posed from Matheson’s article:
·
“Are
you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?”
·
“Do
you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you’re at home?”
·
“Do
you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn’t require
you to be together?”
·
“Do
you e-mail and text your friend when you’re not together?”
·
“Have
you told your spouse about these messages?”
·
“Does
the relationship with your friend take more of your time and energy than your
relationship with your spouse?”
·
“Do
you compare your spouse to your friend?”
·
“Would
you be uncomfortable introducing your spouse to your friend?”
Depending on how you
answer these questions, you may need to make some changes in your life.
Consider an open and honest conversation with your spouse—being sure to focus on
yourself and not the other person.
The results of totally
and completely fidelity create deep love, unity, and beautiful experiences as
husband and wife. Such heavenly relationships can enhance the physical
intimacy, which in turn adds to the harmony of the marriage.
President Harold B. Lee
spoke of physical intimacy and its divine origin:
“The
divine impulse within every true man and woman that impels companionship with
the opposite sex is intended by our Maker as a holy impulse for a holy purpose,
not to be satisfied as a mere biological urge or as a lust of the flesh in
promiscuous associations, but to
be reserved as an expression of true love in holy wedlock.” (Teachings
of Presidents of the Church, 2000, p. 112; emphasis added)
I added the emphasis “to be reserved”
because even within wedlock lust can be the reason for physical intimacy, but
it is not right. Lust should not exist even in marriage. Lust is not love. The
true expressions of love reflect the attributes of charity and the rights of
the priesthood:
“And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is
not puffed up, seeketh not her [or his] own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but
rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all
things, endureth all things.” (Moroni 7:46).
“That the rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the
powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.
That they may be conferred upon us,
it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in
any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when
it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man [or woman].”
(Doctrine and Covenants 121:36-37).
Both man and woman have
the responsibility to uphold these heaven-sent instructions of behavior,
especially husband and wife within their marriage. This balance of selfless
acts, or acting for the good of others is best expressed from Dr. Sean E.
Brotherson’s analogy:
“In our spiritual lives, we are
counseled to return to the temple often after we have received our personal
temple blessings to give of ourselves in service to others and be reminded of
the great and powerful meanings of the standards that we have committed
ourselves to live. Likewise, in our marital lives, a frequent return as a
couple to the union of sexual intimacy makes it possible to give of ourselves
in service to each other and be reminded of the commitment we have made to
unity and fidelity and love to our marital companion.”
Surely, physical intimacy
can be a spiritual experience and it’s wonderful when it is. However, there is
more to it than that aspect. Brotherson’s mother described it this way, “…sometimes
it was fun, sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it was romantic, sometimes
it was spiritual, and sometimes it was just a willingness to love.”
Fidelity in marriage
reaps blessings. Physical intimacy in marriage is many wonderful things when
used properly.
If you are struggling in
these areas, talk with your spouse. Open communication that is direct and
respectful helps.
A word to women
We live in a “MeToo”
society. Many women suffer from the lusts of men. In some cases, it is wise to
seek help for healing from emotional wounds. If you’ve been affected, I hope
you find a professional therapist or counselor who can help. Because of the
many wrongs against women, some have formed an alliance against men. From one
woman (me) to another here is some helpful and healing advice to heed:
“When it comes to sexuality, some
wives become very concerned about their “rights,” often speaking of their
“right” to say no and yes. But marriage is also a relationship of
responsibility and opportunity. In marriage, both partners have the opportunity
to give. I believe few wives realize the power they have to help keep their
husbands near them physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. On the other
hand, I also believe few wives sense the degree of frustration and alienation
husbands feel when a wife ignores his needs and interests. I believe a wise and
loving Heavenly Father has given a wife the ability to achieve oneness with her
husband. The key is unselfishness.”
(They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on
Intimacy in Marriage,” Brent A. Barlow).
Dr. Victor Cline, former professor of
psychology at the University of Utah, noted:
“Some women I see may feel guilty because
they are not more sexual or up to their husband's level of need. Or sometimes
the husband may feel chagrined or even apologetic because his sexual need is so
much greater than his wife's. I have heard endless variations on this theme for
countless years. It becomes in time a vicious circle. The cold and angry wife
versus the rejected, sexually frustrated, and angry husband.” (How to Make a
Good Marriage Great, 1987, pp. 36-37)
Couples who let themselves develop such a
cycle of ill will toward each other sabotage the beauty of their love and
prohibit themselves from a deep and caring experience of love through sexual
fulfillment. It is a self-inflicted pain. Yet it is not inescapable or
incurable. It requires a substantial commitment of time, emotional energy, and
love to change such patterns and pursue a more loving and satisfying
alternative.
Brotherson, S.E. (2003). "Fulfilling the
Sexual Stewardship in Marriage." Meridian Magazine, www.meridianmagazine.com.
Words to close on:
When we
see sexuality as a vital part of marital harmony and happiness, it becomes more
than something we simply give or receive. I like to think of it as something a
husband and wife can share. It might be called a sexual guardianship.” (They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage,”
Brent A. Barlow).
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