Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

Many of us recognize the commitment of fidelity we make in the marriage ceremony. Then there’s the actual marriage. Fidelity in marriage is far more reaching than keeping physical intimacy between you and your spouse. Have you heard of emotional intimacy, emotional fidelity?

Professor Kenneth W. Matheson described emotional infidelity this way:

             “Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind.

Emotional infidelity doesn’t usually happen suddenly; rather, it occurs gradually—often imperceptibly at first. This is one reason why those involved often feel innocent of any wrongdoing.”

So take a quick quiz and ask yourself these questions to check your possibility of falling into the trap of emotional infidelity posed from Matheson’s article:

·         “Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?”

·         “Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you’re at home?”

·         “Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn’t require you to be together?”

·         “Do you e-mail and text your friend when you’re not together?”

·         “Have you told your spouse about these messages?”

·         “Does the relationship with your friend take more of your time and energy than your relationship with your spouse?”

·         “Do you compare your spouse to your friend?”

·         “Would you be uncomfortable introducing your spouse to your friend?”

Depending on how you answer these questions, you may need to make some changes in your life. Consider an open and honest conversation with your spouse—being sure to focus on yourself and not the other person.

The results of totally and completely fidelity create deep love, unity, and beautiful experiences as husband and wife. Such heavenly relationships can enhance the physical intimacy, which in turn adds to the harmony of the marriage.

President Harold B. Lee spoke of physical intimacy and its divine origin:

“The divine impulse within every true man and woman that impels companionship with the opposite sex is intended by our Maker as a holy impulse for a holy purpose, not to be satisfied as a mere biological urge or as a lust of the flesh in promiscuous associations, but to be reserved as an expression of true love in holy wedlock.” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church, 2000, p. 112; emphasis added)

I added the emphasis “to be reserved” because even within wedlock lust can be the reason for physical intimacy, but it is not right. Lust should not exist even in marriage. Lust is not love. The true expressions of love reflect the attributes of charity and the rights of the priesthood:

“And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her [or his] own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” (Moroni 7:46).

“That the rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.

That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man [or woman].” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:36-37).

Both man and woman have the responsibility to uphold these heaven-sent instructions of behavior, especially husband and wife within their marriage. This balance of selfless acts, or acting for the good of others is best expressed from Dr. Sean E. Brotherson’s analogy:

“In our spiritual lives, we are counseled to return to the temple often after we have received our personal temple blessings to give of ourselves in service to others and be reminded of the great and powerful meanings of the standards that we have committed ourselves to live. Likewise, in our marital lives, a frequent return as a couple to the union of sexual intimacy makes it possible to give of ourselves in service to each other and be reminded of the commitment we have made to unity and fidelity and love to our marital companion.”

Surely, physical intimacy can be a spiritual experience and it’s wonderful when it is. However, there is more to it than that aspect. Brotherson’s mother described it this way, “…sometimes it was fun, sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it was romantic, sometimes it was spiritual, and sometimes it was just a willingness to love.”

Fidelity in marriage reaps blessings. Physical intimacy in marriage is many wonderful things when used properly.

If you are struggling in these areas, talk with your spouse. Open communication that is direct and respectful helps.

A word to women

We live in a “MeToo” society. Many women suffer from the lusts of men. In some cases, it is wise to seek help for healing from emotional wounds. If you’ve been affected, I hope you find a professional therapist or counselor who can help. Because of the many wrongs against women, some have formed an alliance against men. From one woman (me) to another here is some helpful and healing advice to heed:

“When it comes to sexuality, some wives become very concerned about their “rights,” often speaking of their “right” to say no and yes. But marriage is also a relationship of responsibility and opportunity. In marriage, both partners have the opportunity to give. I believe few wives realize the power they have to help keep their husbands near them physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. On the other hand, I also believe few wives sense the degree of frustration and alienation husbands feel when a wife ignores his needs and interests. I believe a wise and loving Heavenly Father has given a wife the ability to achieve oneness with her husband. The key is unselfishness.”

(They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage,” Brent A. Barlow).

Dr. Victor Cline, former professor of psychology at the University of Utah, noted:

“Some women I see may feel guilty because they are not more sexual or up to their husband's level of need. Or sometimes the husband may feel chagrined or even apologetic because his sexual need is so much greater than his wife's. I have heard endless variations on this theme for countless years. It becomes in time a vicious circle. The cold and angry wife versus the rejected, sexually frustrated, and angry husband.” (How to Make a Good Marriage Great, 1987, pp. 36-37)

Couples who let themselves develop such a cycle of ill will toward each other sabotage the beauty of their love and prohibit themselves from a deep and caring experience of love through sexual fulfillment. It is a self-inflicted pain. Yet it is not inescapable or incurable. It requires a substantial commitment of time, emotional energy, and love to change such patterns and pursue a more loving and satisfying alternative.

Brotherson, S.E. (2003). "Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage." Meridian Magazine, www.meridianmagazine.com.

Words to close on:

When we see sexuality as a vital part of marital harmony and happiness, it becomes more than something we simply give or receive. I like to think of it as something a husband and wife can share. It might be called a sexual guardianship.” (They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage,” Brent A. Barlow).