Transitions: In-laws and Money

Raise your hand if you like trials, challenges, and hardships in life? You? You? Me? Anyone?

They kind of suck. Right now, I’m dealing with a transition of my husband being gone a lot at work with unpredictable hours and our four young kids relying solely on me to meet every tiny little need and the big needs and apparently fix the toilet and the constantly dripping tub faucet that was supposedly fixed just 4 months ago. (Sorry for the run-on sentence. I’m breathing now.)

There are so many transitions in life and they continue to happen after the wedding bells ring. B. Poduska puts it well, “Two people who go through life’s ups and downs together grow in ways neither may foresee. Because each partner changes, they do not just celebrate an annual anniversary but rather what could be called a “remarriage.”

“…with each change they would recommit-redeclare-their desire to be married to each other” (pg 25-26).

Our families of origin are all different and even within those members we all turn out different despite sharing the same experiences. Even the position you hold within your family has affect on your personality. For example, first born children tend to prefer being in control and taking charge, while second born children hate being controlled and “develop the belief that being number one is everything. They want to be the best and have the best in order to feel good about themselves” (Poduska). There are further differences amongst middle child and last child as well.

Among other factors we bring into marriage are the family rules. These rules can be either explicit (spoken, clearly defined), implicit (unspoken, everyday sort of things), or intuitive (unspoken, far more reaching, emotional legacy). These rules can create transitions more difficult in marriage and family since each spouse brings their own family rules to the new union.

With so many varying factors coming into the new family, there is a clear need to talk about known transitions, such as how to handle in-laws and money. Don’t assume you both automatically agree. There will be differences.

Despite what the general media and public say and believe, living nearby your in-laws, specifically daughters close to their mother-in-law, strengthens the relationships (Harper and Olsen). Keep in mind, “living nearby” is different than “living with”. The best way to handle the pull of in-laws within your marriage is to remember that husband and wife are to “cleave” to each other. If the in-laws seem to not want to let go, your spouse and you must sit down and have a loving talk with those in-laws. Express love and gratitude for all they do. Explain the need for space to become your own marital unit. Explain the boundaries you intend to keep.

When it comes to money matters, keep in mind that money matters. Ha ha. Though it never matters more than the relationships to which you belong. There are several great money management books available to guide you from where you are to where you need to be. Dr. Bernard E. Poduska offers good financial guidance while emphasizing how to balance finances, feelings, and family, in his book, “Till Debt Do Us Part.”

Whatever transition you are currently facing in your life, I hope you know, you are not alone. There is help available. Seek it out prayerfully and you will find it, or it may find you.

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt do us Part, (Chapter 2). Salt Lake City, Utah: Shadow Mountain.