Power and Agency in Marriage

Power relations in marriage and family are related to the gift of agency God has granted each of his children. We all are children of God. And to each of us, he has given us the ability to choose for ourselves, rather than strict observance of his will no matter our own desires. He has set a pattern for us to follow in our relations with our families (and essentially all we interact with). Parents have power over their children and an obligation to them to teach them correct doctrine, in correct ways, i.e. love unfeigned, sharp reproofs when moved upon by the Holy Ghost, by kindness, without hypocrisy, by gentleness and meekness…etc. (Doctrine and Covenants 121:41-46).

Within marriages, spouses are to be united, one in purpose, and hold equal power. What does that power look like? Simply put: giving, serving, loving your spouse. When each spouse is fully giving to the other, fully selflessly serving the other, and fully loving the other, each spouse then feels equal in power in the marriage.

Ideals and reality are hard to put together. They say practice makes perfect though. My experience has been that when I put Christ, who is perfect and can perfect me, first in my life, then he bestows power upon me to give, serve, and love I would otherwise on my own fail to do. So I practice by inviting Christ into my life with studying his word, seeking him in prayer, and being submissive to his ways, and humble to his corrections. This works.

We can have His Spirit by keeping that [baptismal] covenant. First, we promise to take His name upon us. That means we must see ourselves as His. We will put Him first in our lives. We will want what He wants rather than what we want or what the world teaches us to want. As long as we love the things of the world first, there will be no peace in us. Holding an ideal for a family or a nation of comfort through material goods will, at last, divide them (see Harold B. Lee, Stand Ye in Holy Places [1974], 97). The ideal of doing for each other what the Lord would have us do, which follows naturally from taking His name upon us, can take us to a spiritual level which is a touch of heaven on earth. (Henry B. Eyring)

It sure isn’t easy starting. Do you remember what you sounded like the first time you picked up your instrument in school? That’s what my behavior, or use of power, in my marriage sounds like. I’m getting so much better though! Because I’ve been practicing every day! I have a perfect Instructor. After so many months of conscientious effort (practice) to improve, it is beginning to become a little more natural. So I know, if I can do it, anyone willing can do it too.

“The Lord has given us nothing that is useless or unnecessary. He has filled the Scriptures with the things which we should do in order that we may gain salvation.” (Henry B. Eyring)

When I use my gift of agency the way my Instructor teaches (giving, serving, loving) I actually gain greater agency. So in essence, agency is power. When I have greater agency, I have greater power. When I incorrectly use my agency, my power diminishes. Unrighteous dominion is not true power and leads to no good, poor relationships, and feelings of loneliness, self-worthlessness, and misery. I can use my agency righteously when I serve my spouse, when I love my spouse, when I give of myself to my spouse. And when I use my agency in that way, I am opening doors for my spouse to use his agency in greater power. It’s a beautiful cycle that spirals towards heavenly bliss. We each give each other greater power.

There are some commandments which, when broken, destroy unity. Some have to do with what we say and some with how we react to what others say. We must speak no ill of anyone. We must see the good in each other and speak well of each other whenever we can (see David O. McKay, in Conference Report, Oct. 1967, 4–11).

The Spirit of God never generates contention (see 3 Ne. 11:29). It never generates the feelings of distinctions between people which lead to strife (see Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 13th ed. [1963], 131). It leads to personal peace and a feeling of union with others. It unifies souls. A unified family, a unified Church, and a world at peace depend on unified souls. (Henry B. Eyring)

What small act can you do today to start showing true companionship in your marriage?

Eyring, Henry B., “That We May Be One”, Ensign, May 1998. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1998/05/that-we-may-be-one?lang=eng