Marital Poop Detector

            Growing up my mom used to use this analogy to encourage us, her children, to watch good entertainment and the reasons why she didn’t want us viewing a certain rating on movies and tv. She brought in a plate of brownies. They looked good, they smelled good. We all wanted to eat them. She said, “You are more than welcome to eat them. But you should know they have just a teeny tiny bit of cat poop in them.”  Yeah, that’s gross. Of course, we were all repulsed!

            My mother’s analogy can go much further than judging worthy entertainment. In his renowned book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. John M. Gottman talks about having a “Marital Poop Detector” and the importance of “recognizing early whether something just doesn’t smell right!” (page 280) Poop is gross! No one wants poop where it shouldn’t be! (Any dog owner or mother of young children have enough evidence of that!)

Where’s the Poop?

Gottman breaks it down for us. The poop is in the “Four Horsemen” as he refers to them:

•   Criticism
•   Contempt
•   Defensiveness
•   Stonewalling

The first place to start sniffing the poop is in your own thoughts about your dearest. When you recognize the poop you are putting into your relationship, you can make the first “repair attempt” by stopping it. A repair attempt is “any statement or action – silly or otherwise – that prevents negativity from escalating out of control” (Gottman, pg 27).

Cleaning up the Poop

            In the missionary manual used by full-time missionaries of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, “Preach My Gospel” missionary companions are instructed to hold a weekly companionship inventory, where they discuss goals, strengths, and challenges that may be withholding them from “working in unity.” Likewise, M. Russell Ballard teaches in his book, “Counseling with Our Councils,” the importance of weekly family councils that can be as small as two individuals, such as husband and wife, where the same idea take place. Love is the spirit of the meeting. As it turns out, Dr. Gottman encourages the same weekly model of asking yourself improvement questions and using “soft start-ups” with your spouse when addressing issues. Respectfully using voice, action and constructive behavior, we can clean up the poop messes in our relationships and lessen the poop.

The prevention and the antidote: cultivating your friendship.

Citations:
       Gottman, John M., "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" (2015), Harmony Publications

      "Preach My Gospel" (2019). The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/preach-my-gospel-a-guide-to-missionary-service/title-page?lang=eng