Staying Emotionally Connnected

Staying Emotionally Connected

So how do you do it? How do you stay emotionally connected with your spouse?

Or with a child? The steps are the same.

Step 1:

It’s all in the little things we all do every day.

·        Do you catch up with each other at the end of the day?

·        Do you watch or read the news together?

·        Do you eat a meal together, breakfast or dinner, maybe lunch?

·        Do you call or think about them during the workday?

·        How about listening to music together?

·        Going on a walk together?

·        Do you exercise together?

·        Do you attend church together?

·        Do you talk or read together?

·        How about that yard work or home repairs?

Start your connectedness with each other’s presence.

Step 2:

Look for bids. Dr. Gottman teaches in his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” within our marriages we are “always making what [he] calls “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support.” He explains that “bids can be as minor as asking for a back rub.” His book goes into detailed efforts one can make with exercises to work together to help couples “turn toward each other instead of away.” The details are worth the read; the exercises can reduce stress in conversations.

Dr. Gottman gives a relatable account of noticing his wife’s negative bid and turning toward her. He heard an audible grunt from the laundry room and asked his wife what was the matter. She responded (with her bid) about how she doesn’t mind washing the laundry, but hates folding it. Instead of turning away from his wife, he acted on her bid and took the clean laundry to their room where he put on some fun music and enjoyed himself while folding the laundry.

Please enjoy this humorous 2017 Superbowl commercial demonstrating the effects of accepting your spouse's bidding.

Bids can very often times come in negative tones and maybe be difficult to respond to in an accepting way, but when we consider our spouse and what they are really feeling behind their tone, it can be easier to look past it and take them up on their bid.

My husband was raised by a father who is attuned to his wife’s bidding, and therefore, my husband is excellent at it as well. I can tell you first hand, that each time, I find myself a little humbler and a little more in love with him. I have to conscientiously hear his bids and act upon them to return the love. It’s tricky at first to become accustomed to your spouses bidding. However, you will begin to hear them more naturally the more you respond to them. The best part is the increased love between you and your spouse. It has become some of the most romantic parts of my day. Small efforts with big rewards. I feel so much love for him when I respond to his bids, and I feel love from him when I see him responding to mine.

“By small and simple things are great things brought to pass.” (Alma 37:6)