Transitions: In-laws and Money

Raise your hand if you like trials, challenges, and hardships in life? You? You? Me? Anyone?

They kind of suck. Right now, I’m dealing with a transition of my husband being gone a lot at work with unpredictable hours and our four young kids relying solely on me to meet every tiny little need and the big needs and apparently fix the toilet and the constantly dripping tub faucet that was supposedly fixed just 4 months ago. (Sorry for the run-on sentence. I’m breathing now.)

There are so many transitions in life and they continue to happen after the wedding bells ring. B. Poduska puts it well, “Two people who go through life’s ups and downs together grow in ways neither may foresee. Because each partner changes, they do not just celebrate an annual anniversary but rather what could be called a “remarriage.”

“…with each change they would recommit-redeclare-their desire to be married to each other” (pg 25-26).

Our families of origin are all different and even within those members we all turn out different despite sharing the same experiences. Even the position you hold within your family has affect on your personality. For example, first born children tend to prefer being in control and taking charge, while second born children hate being controlled and “develop the belief that being number one is everything. They want to be the best and have the best in order to feel good about themselves” (Poduska). There are further differences amongst middle child and last child as well.

Among other factors we bring into marriage are the family rules. These rules can be either explicit (spoken, clearly defined), implicit (unspoken, everyday sort of things), or intuitive (unspoken, far more reaching, emotional legacy). These rules can create transitions more difficult in marriage and family since each spouse brings their own family rules to the new union.

With so many varying factors coming into the new family, there is a clear need to talk about known transitions, such as how to handle in-laws and money. Don’t assume you both automatically agree. There will be differences.

Despite what the general media and public say and believe, living nearby your in-laws, specifically daughters close to their mother-in-law, strengthens the relationships (Harper and Olsen). Keep in mind, “living nearby” is different than “living with”. The best way to handle the pull of in-laws within your marriage is to remember that husband and wife are to “cleave” to each other. If the in-laws seem to not want to let go, your spouse and you must sit down and have a loving talk with those in-laws. Express love and gratitude for all they do. Explain the need for space to become your own marital unit. Explain the boundaries you intend to keep.

When it comes to money matters, keep in mind that money matters. Ha ha. Though it never matters more than the relationships to which you belong. There are several great money management books available to guide you from where you are to where you need to be. Dr. Bernard E. Poduska offers good financial guidance while emphasizing how to balance finances, feelings, and family, in his book, “Till Debt Do Us Part.”

Whatever transition you are currently facing in your life, I hope you know, you are not alone. There is help available. Seek it out prayerfully and you will find it, or it may find you.

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt do us Part, (Chapter 2). Salt Lake City, Utah: Shadow Mountain.

Power and Agency in Marriage

Power relations in marriage and family are related to the gift of agency God has granted each of his children. We all are children of God. And to each of us, he has given us the ability to choose for ourselves, rather than strict observance of his will no matter our own desires. He has set a pattern for us to follow in our relations with our families (and essentially all we interact with). Parents have power over their children and an obligation to them to teach them correct doctrine, in correct ways, i.e. love unfeigned, sharp reproofs when moved upon by the Holy Ghost, by kindness, without hypocrisy, by gentleness and meekness…etc. (Doctrine and Covenants 121:41-46).

Within marriages, spouses are to be united, one in purpose, and hold equal power. What does that power look like? Simply put: giving, serving, loving your spouse. When each spouse is fully giving to the other, fully selflessly serving the other, and fully loving the other, each spouse then feels equal in power in the marriage.

Ideals and reality are hard to put together. They say practice makes perfect though. My experience has been that when I put Christ, who is perfect and can perfect me, first in my life, then he bestows power upon me to give, serve, and love I would otherwise on my own fail to do. So I practice by inviting Christ into my life with studying his word, seeking him in prayer, and being submissive to his ways, and humble to his corrections. This works.

We can have His Spirit by keeping that [baptismal] covenant. First, we promise to take His name upon us. That means we must see ourselves as His. We will put Him first in our lives. We will want what He wants rather than what we want or what the world teaches us to want. As long as we love the things of the world first, there will be no peace in us. Holding an ideal for a family or a nation of comfort through material goods will, at last, divide them (see Harold B. Lee, Stand Ye in Holy Places [1974], 97). The ideal of doing for each other what the Lord would have us do, which follows naturally from taking His name upon us, can take us to a spiritual level which is a touch of heaven on earth. (Henry B. Eyring)

It sure isn’t easy starting. Do you remember what you sounded like the first time you picked up your instrument in school? That’s what my behavior, or use of power, in my marriage sounds like. I’m getting so much better though! Because I’ve been practicing every day! I have a perfect Instructor. After so many months of conscientious effort (practice) to improve, it is beginning to become a little more natural. So I know, if I can do it, anyone willing can do it too.

“The Lord has given us nothing that is useless or unnecessary. He has filled the Scriptures with the things which we should do in order that we may gain salvation.” (Henry B. Eyring)

When I use my gift of agency the way my Instructor teaches (giving, serving, loving) I actually gain greater agency. So in essence, agency is power. When I have greater agency, I have greater power. When I incorrectly use my agency, my power diminishes. Unrighteous dominion is not true power and leads to no good, poor relationships, and feelings of loneliness, self-worthlessness, and misery. I can use my agency righteously when I serve my spouse, when I love my spouse, when I give of myself to my spouse. And when I use my agency in that way, I am opening doors for my spouse to use his agency in greater power. It’s a beautiful cycle that spirals towards heavenly bliss. We each give each other greater power.

There are some commandments which, when broken, destroy unity. Some have to do with what we say and some with how we react to what others say. We must speak no ill of anyone. We must see the good in each other and speak well of each other whenever we can (see David O. McKay, in Conference Report, Oct. 1967, 4–11).

The Spirit of God never generates contention (see 3 Ne. 11:29). It never generates the feelings of distinctions between people which lead to strife (see Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 13th ed. [1963], 131). It leads to personal peace and a feeling of union with others. It unifies souls. A unified family, a unified Church, and a world at peace depend on unified souls. (Henry B. Eyring)

What small act can you do today to start showing true companionship in your marriage?

Eyring, Henry B., “That We May Be One”, Ensign, May 1998. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1998/05/that-we-may-be-one?lang=eng