Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

Many of us recognize the commitment of fidelity we make in the marriage ceremony. Then there’s the actual marriage. Fidelity in marriage is far more reaching than keeping physical intimacy between you and your spouse. Have you heard of emotional intimacy, emotional fidelity?

Professor Kenneth W. Matheson described emotional infidelity this way:

             “Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind.

Emotional infidelity doesn’t usually happen suddenly; rather, it occurs gradually—often imperceptibly at first. This is one reason why those involved often feel innocent of any wrongdoing.”

So take a quick quiz and ask yourself these questions to check your possibility of falling into the trap of emotional infidelity posed from Matheson’s article:

·         “Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?”

·         “Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you’re at home?”

·         “Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn’t require you to be together?”

·         “Do you e-mail and text your friend when you’re not together?”

·         “Have you told your spouse about these messages?”

·         “Does the relationship with your friend take more of your time and energy than your relationship with your spouse?”

·         “Do you compare your spouse to your friend?”

·         “Would you be uncomfortable introducing your spouse to your friend?”

Depending on how you answer these questions, you may need to make some changes in your life. Consider an open and honest conversation with your spouse—being sure to focus on yourself and not the other person.

The results of totally and completely fidelity create deep love, unity, and beautiful experiences as husband and wife. Such heavenly relationships can enhance the physical intimacy, which in turn adds to the harmony of the marriage.

President Harold B. Lee spoke of physical intimacy and its divine origin:

“The divine impulse within every true man and woman that impels companionship with the opposite sex is intended by our Maker as a holy impulse for a holy purpose, not to be satisfied as a mere biological urge or as a lust of the flesh in promiscuous associations, but to be reserved as an expression of true love in holy wedlock.” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church, 2000, p. 112; emphasis added)

I added the emphasis “to be reserved” because even within wedlock lust can be the reason for physical intimacy, but it is not right. Lust should not exist even in marriage. Lust is not love. The true expressions of love reflect the attributes of charity and the rights of the priesthood:

“And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her [or his] own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” (Moroni 7:46).

“That the rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.

That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man [or woman].” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:36-37).

Both man and woman have the responsibility to uphold these heaven-sent instructions of behavior, especially husband and wife within their marriage. This balance of selfless acts, or acting for the good of others is best expressed from Dr. Sean E. Brotherson’s analogy:

“In our spiritual lives, we are counseled to return to the temple often after we have received our personal temple blessings to give of ourselves in service to others and be reminded of the great and powerful meanings of the standards that we have committed ourselves to live. Likewise, in our marital lives, a frequent return as a couple to the union of sexual intimacy makes it possible to give of ourselves in service to each other and be reminded of the commitment we have made to unity and fidelity and love to our marital companion.”

Surely, physical intimacy can be a spiritual experience and it’s wonderful when it is. However, there is more to it than that aspect. Brotherson’s mother described it this way, “…sometimes it was fun, sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it was romantic, sometimes it was spiritual, and sometimes it was just a willingness to love.”

Fidelity in marriage reaps blessings. Physical intimacy in marriage is many wonderful things when used properly.

If you are struggling in these areas, talk with your spouse. Open communication that is direct and respectful helps.

A word to women

We live in a “MeToo” society. Many women suffer from the lusts of men. In some cases, it is wise to seek help for healing from emotional wounds. If you’ve been affected, I hope you find a professional therapist or counselor who can help. Because of the many wrongs against women, some have formed an alliance against men. From one woman (me) to another here is some helpful and healing advice to heed:

“When it comes to sexuality, some wives become very concerned about their “rights,” often speaking of their “right” to say no and yes. But marriage is also a relationship of responsibility and opportunity. In marriage, both partners have the opportunity to give. I believe few wives realize the power they have to help keep their husbands near them physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. On the other hand, I also believe few wives sense the degree of frustration and alienation husbands feel when a wife ignores his needs and interests. I believe a wise and loving Heavenly Father has given a wife the ability to achieve oneness with her husband. The key is unselfishness.”

(They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage,” Brent A. Barlow).

Dr. Victor Cline, former professor of psychology at the University of Utah, noted:

“Some women I see may feel guilty because they are not more sexual or up to their husband's level of need. Or sometimes the husband may feel chagrined or even apologetic because his sexual need is so much greater than his wife's. I have heard endless variations on this theme for countless years. It becomes in time a vicious circle. The cold and angry wife versus the rejected, sexually frustrated, and angry husband.” (How to Make a Good Marriage Great, 1987, pp. 36-37)

Couples who let themselves develop such a cycle of ill will toward each other sabotage the beauty of their love and prohibit themselves from a deep and caring experience of love through sexual fulfillment. It is a self-inflicted pain. Yet it is not inescapable or incurable. It requires a substantial commitment of time, emotional energy, and love to change such patterns and pursue a more loving and satisfying alternative.

Brotherson, S.E. (2003). "Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage." Meridian Magazine, www.meridianmagazine.com.

Words to close on:

When we see sexuality as a vital part of marital harmony and happiness, it becomes more than something we simply give or receive. I like to think of it as something a husband and wife can share. It might be called a sexual guardianship.” (They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage,” Brent A. Barlow).

Game Time

The best games are the ones in which we can learn important life lessons. That’s why this week’s blog is a printable family game.

The central purpose of this game is to encourage understanding each other and loving each other without judging or trying to control or change others. It’s focus is on light humor, which is a great life tool when needing to make repair attempts in conflicts.

The game’s intent is to have family members explore each other’s dreams, learn soothing techniques, encourage listening, as well as cultivate leaders and followers with turn taking. A follower is one who is humble. A leader is one who brings others together. As followers of Christ, we need to be humble so he can bring us together. As marital companions we need to be humble so we can be brought together as the Spirit leads us. As families we need to listen and obey in humility to each family member as we seek to understand their needs and dreams.

As we love our family member as the way they are, strengths are seen. As we love them as they are, they love themselves and confidence is gained. With this righteous confidence based from a Christ center (charity-Christ’s pure love), they desire to improve where they can. As they improve, we have greater opportunities to compliment those strengths and good qualities. It is a heavenward spiral.

There’s no wrong way for the leader in the game to direct. The players should not correct the leader’s way to allow them room for personal growth as well as to encourage outside-the-box ideas. When a critiquing thought arises, take it as an opportunity to compliment and see a strength.

Now, for the game.

Seek to Understand Game Cards

Seek to Understand Game Directions and Rules

Conflicts and Consecration

Every married couple has arguments. I know I do in mine. Actually, I’m probably the one who starts most of them and according to Dr. John Gottman’s research it’s pretty normal for the wife to do that. It doesn’t mean I like it though. I certainly don’t think his findings excuse my behavior. That’s probably because I like having a happy marriage and I want to do whatever I can to maintain it. Maybe you’re like me and want to know what you can do to change or improve. Well, Dr. Gottman has some great suggestions:

1. Soften your start-up.

2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.

3. Soothe yourself and each other.

4. Compromise.

5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.

I think for me, the best place to focus first is to make sure I’m using soft start-ups when I have a complaint. “Complain but don’t blame. Remember: “I feel…”; about what?...; and “I need…”” are Gottman’s suggestions to help your start-up be soft. I don’t want to be harsh, but sometimes my emotions get the better of me and I let them blurt themselves out. Well, I certainly have better manners than that around acquaintances and friends. It’s clearly controllable behavior.

My husband gives every part of himself to our marriage and family. He is humble, forgiving, patient with me, and sacrifices for the good of our marriage. He is not perfect, thus my complaints, but he is one of the best examples I have of managing conflict as well as consecrating himself for us. He is all about loving and serving his spouse. (Gosh, aren’t I lucky?) It’s as if it is natural for him. I don’t know how, but I am sure grateful to be the benefactor. My mom offered me advice before my marriage about my marriage: “Remember to serve him.” I tried not to be offended that she felt like she needed to say that, but as the first few years of marriage passed on, I realized how right she was in pointing that out to me. I was grateful I had such a clear reminder of what I needed to do to improve my happiness in my marriage. I still have to remind myself of my mother’s wise advice. It doesn’t come natural for me. I have to conscientiously think, “Find ways to serve him today.” Those days are happy days! Truly, wonderful days of marital relations. He feels loved, I feel love towards him, AND I feel love from him. It’s happy.

So, yes, conflicts come up but remembering I’m speaking with someone I love, helps me start-up softly and we find resolve through open, loving communication…most of the time. (Hey hey, just being real. I’m not perfect either!)

Citations:

       Gottman, John M., "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" (2015), Harmony Publications

Thoughts on Pride

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we believe in 3 kingdoms of glory as referred to in 1 Corinthians 15:40-42, one compares to the glory of the sun, another the moon and the least compares to the glory of the stars. Celestial, Terrestrial, and Telestial. All are Kingdoms of God’s glory. Think of God’s glory in terms of giving and receiving, gratitude and blessings.

The lesser glories (terrestrial and telestial) do not have eternal family relationships (aka family relationships do not extend past death). It’s not a condemnation, simply a choice; rather, the consequences of mortal choices.

For example, a divorced man I know (we’ll call him Kevin) has more opportunities than he takes to spend time with his children (his family). It is his choice. He could choose to use those opportunities to be with them, but he chooses not to, he chooses something else in their place.

So it is with heaven, we are not condemned to live in lesser glories, it is our choices of where we spend our focus, thoughts, and time. (Refer “To Do Lists of Marriage” blog post).

Just as Kevin misses his children at times, so it is in heaven of a lesser glory. Those feelings do not leave us. It is what we choose in this life, however, what we receive in the next. Consequences are not condemnation of God. They are simply the effects of our causes (choices). We cause/choose what we receive (the effects).

Think of the immense power and joy there exists in the Kingdom of God, His fulness of glory, the celestial glory.

…the power we receive from all the choices we continually effectuate.

Our choices causing the effect (consequence) of receiving the highest of God’s glories. Of course, any glory received is all made possible through Christ’s perfection and sacrifice.

…because clearly, not one of us perfectly makes choices leading to perfection in mortality…

The Only Way to escape the justice that hell calls us by is our Savior, who reached down beneath us to pull us up into a fighting chance of receiving glory. There’d be no hope of glory without him.

Glory is the cycle of giving and receiving, being grateful and blessing, which can only be done with others involved.

Pride is self-focus and can never effectuate glory of God. We have the opportunities within our marriages and families to set aside pride, our self-focus, and replace it with giving and receiving, with gratitude and extending blessings. This is God’s love and glory and it can work in us as we work with others. God’s glory can ONLY work in us as we work with others.

God’s glory does not make a complete cycle (like an electric circuit) with a single person. If a person is only focused on self, there is no cycle of giving and receiving…only expectations and taking. Just like the electric circuit, if there is only a single cord and no connections, there is no light. However, if the single cord is connected to a power source (God), it will have a charge (God’s power) running through it. Why have a charged cord with nowhere to use the power? Connect the single charged cord to another single charged cord, and now you are able to create light because the circuit is complete. The amazing thing is though, more connections can be made with other cords to create even more light!

This picture demonstrates simplistically how God intends a constant flow of His glory (giving and receiving, gratitude and blessings) to work among us, His children…His family.

Working God’s glory together is the way (Christ taught) to learn of and receive his glory.

He extends his love to all of us every family member, living and dead, to do his work…working together.

Christ opened the way for us and showed it to us.

Everything Christ taught and teaches points to the unification of His family. He gave us (gives us) the steps to understand His ways which will unite us.

Pride, self-focus, will never unite anyone. It only destroys. It stops the circuit flow. It pokes holes in the relationship fabric until (if not mended) eventually completely separates, tearing, ripping, destroying the beauty God intended us to create by His Son’s hand.

Beware of pride. “Oh be wise, what can I say more?” (Jacob 6:12).