Transitions: In-laws and Money

Raise your hand if you like trials, challenges, and hardships in life? You? You? Me? Anyone?

They kind of suck. Right now, I’m dealing with a transition of my husband being gone a lot at work with unpredictable hours and our four young kids relying solely on me to meet every tiny little need and the big needs and apparently fix the toilet and the constantly dripping tub faucet that was supposedly fixed just 4 months ago. (Sorry for the run-on sentence. I’m breathing now.)

There are so many transitions in life and they continue to happen after the wedding bells ring. B. Poduska puts it well, “Two people who go through life’s ups and downs together grow in ways neither may foresee. Because each partner changes, they do not just celebrate an annual anniversary but rather what could be called a “remarriage.”

“…with each change they would recommit-redeclare-their desire to be married to each other” (pg 25-26).

Our families of origin are all different and even within those members we all turn out different despite sharing the same experiences. Even the position you hold within your family has affect on your personality. For example, first born children tend to prefer being in control and taking charge, while second born children hate being controlled and “develop the belief that being number one is everything. They want to be the best and have the best in order to feel good about themselves” (Poduska). There are further differences amongst middle child and last child as well.

Among other factors we bring into marriage are the family rules. These rules can be either explicit (spoken, clearly defined), implicit (unspoken, everyday sort of things), or intuitive (unspoken, far more reaching, emotional legacy). These rules can create transitions more difficult in marriage and family since each spouse brings their own family rules to the new union.

With so many varying factors coming into the new family, there is a clear need to talk about known transitions, such as how to handle in-laws and money. Don’t assume you both automatically agree. There will be differences.

Despite what the general media and public say and believe, living nearby your in-laws, specifically daughters close to their mother-in-law, strengthens the relationships (Harper and Olsen). Keep in mind, “living nearby” is different than “living with”. The best way to handle the pull of in-laws within your marriage is to remember that husband and wife are to “cleave” to each other. If the in-laws seem to not want to let go, your spouse and you must sit down and have a loving talk with those in-laws. Express love and gratitude for all they do. Explain the need for space to become your own marital unit. Explain the boundaries you intend to keep.

When it comes to money matters, keep in mind that money matters. Ha ha. Though it never matters more than the relationships to which you belong. There are several great money management books available to guide you from where you are to where you need to be. Dr. Bernard E. Poduska offers good financial guidance while emphasizing how to balance finances, feelings, and family, in his book, “Till Debt Do Us Part.”

Whatever transition you are currently facing in your life, I hope you know, you are not alone. There is help available. Seek it out prayerfully and you will find it, or it may find you.

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt do us Part, (Chapter 2). Salt Lake City, Utah: Shadow Mountain.

Power and Agency in Marriage

Power relations in marriage and family are related to the gift of agency God has granted each of his children. We all are children of God. And to each of us, he has given us the ability to choose for ourselves, rather than strict observance of his will no matter our own desires. He has set a pattern for us to follow in our relations with our families (and essentially all we interact with). Parents have power over their children and an obligation to them to teach them correct doctrine, in correct ways, i.e. love unfeigned, sharp reproofs when moved upon by the Holy Ghost, by kindness, without hypocrisy, by gentleness and meekness…etc. (Doctrine and Covenants 121:41-46).

Within marriages, spouses are to be united, one in purpose, and hold equal power. What does that power look like? Simply put: giving, serving, loving your spouse. When each spouse is fully giving to the other, fully selflessly serving the other, and fully loving the other, each spouse then feels equal in power in the marriage.

Ideals and reality are hard to put together. They say practice makes perfect though. My experience has been that when I put Christ, who is perfect and can perfect me, first in my life, then he bestows power upon me to give, serve, and love I would otherwise on my own fail to do. So I practice by inviting Christ into my life with studying his word, seeking him in prayer, and being submissive to his ways, and humble to his corrections. This works.

We can have His Spirit by keeping that [baptismal] covenant. First, we promise to take His name upon us. That means we must see ourselves as His. We will put Him first in our lives. We will want what He wants rather than what we want or what the world teaches us to want. As long as we love the things of the world first, there will be no peace in us. Holding an ideal for a family or a nation of comfort through material goods will, at last, divide them (see Harold B. Lee, Stand Ye in Holy Places [1974], 97). The ideal of doing for each other what the Lord would have us do, which follows naturally from taking His name upon us, can take us to a spiritual level which is a touch of heaven on earth. (Henry B. Eyring)

It sure isn’t easy starting. Do you remember what you sounded like the first time you picked up your instrument in school? That’s what my behavior, or use of power, in my marriage sounds like. I’m getting so much better though! Because I’ve been practicing every day! I have a perfect Instructor. After so many months of conscientious effort (practice) to improve, it is beginning to become a little more natural. So I know, if I can do it, anyone willing can do it too.

“The Lord has given us nothing that is useless or unnecessary. He has filled the Scriptures with the things which we should do in order that we may gain salvation.” (Henry B. Eyring)

When I use my gift of agency the way my Instructor teaches (giving, serving, loving) I actually gain greater agency. So in essence, agency is power. When I have greater agency, I have greater power. When I incorrectly use my agency, my power diminishes. Unrighteous dominion is not true power and leads to no good, poor relationships, and feelings of loneliness, self-worthlessness, and misery. I can use my agency righteously when I serve my spouse, when I love my spouse, when I give of myself to my spouse. And when I use my agency in that way, I am opening doors for my spouse to use his agency in greater power. It’s a beautiful cycle that spirals towards heavenly bliss. We each give each other greater power.

There are some commandments which, when broken, destroy unity. Some have to do with what we say and some with how we react to what others say. We must speak no ill of anyone. We must see the good in each other and speak well of each other whenever we can (see David O. McKay, in Conference Report, Oct. 1967, 4–11).

The Spirit of God never generates contention (see 3 Ne. 11:29). It never generates the feelings of distinctions between people which lead to strife (see Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 13th ed. [1963], 131). It leads to personal peace and a feeling of union with others. It unifies souls. A unified family, a unified Church, and a world at peace depend on unified souls. (Henry B. Eyring)

What small act can you do today to start showing true companionship in your marriage?

Eyring, Henry B., “That We May Be One”, Ensign, May 1998. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1998/05/that-we-may-be-one?lang=eng

Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

Many of us recognize the commitment of fidelity we make in the marriage ceremony. Then there’s the actual marriage. Fidelity in marriage is far more reaching than keeping physical intimacy between you and your spouse. Have you heard of emotional intimacy, emotional fidelity?

Professor Kenneth W. Matheson described emotional infidelity this way:

             “Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind.

Emotional infidelity doesn’t usually happen suddenly; rather, it occurs gradually—often imperceptibly at first. This is one reason why those involved often feel innocent of any wrongdoing.”

So take a quick quiz and ask yourself these questions to check your possibility of falling into the trap of emotional infidelity posed from Matheson’s article:

·         “Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?”

·         “Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you’re at home?”

·         “Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn’t require you to be together?”

·         “Do you e-mail and text your friend when you’re not together?”

·         “Have you told your spouse about these messages?”

·         “Does the relationship with your friend take more of your time and energy than your relationship with your spouse?”

·         “Do you compare your spouse to your friend?”

·         “Would you be uncomfortable introducing your spouse to your friend?”

Depending on how you answer these questions, you may need to make some changes in your life. Consider an open and honest conversation with your spouse—being sure to focus on yourself and not the other person.

The results of totally and completely fidelity create deep love, unity, and beautiful experiences as husband and wife. Such heavenly relationships can enhance the physical intimacy, which in turn adds to the harmony of the marriage.

President Harold B. Lee spoke of physical intimacy and its divine origin:

“The divine impulse within every true man and woman that impels companionship with the opposite sex is intended by our Maker as a holy impulse for a holy purpose, not to be satisfied as a mere biological urge or as a lust of the flesh in promiscuous associations, but to be reserved as an expression of true love in holy wedlock.” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church, 2000, p. 112; emphasis added)

I added the emphasis “to be reserved” because even within wedlock lust can be the reason for physical intimacy, but it is not right. Lust should not exist even in marriage. Lust is not love. The true expressions of love reflect the attributes of charity and the rights of the priesthood:

“And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her [or his] own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” (Moroni 7:46).

“That the rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.

That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man [or woman].” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:36-37).

Both man and woman have the responsibility to uphold these heaven-sent instructions of behavior, especially husband and wife within their marriage. This balance of selfless acts, or acting for the good of others is best expressed from Dr. Sean E. Brotherson’s analogy:

“In our spiritual lives, we are counseled to return to the temple often after we have received our personal temple blessings to give of ourselves in service to others and be reminded of the great and powerful meanings of the standards that we have committed ourselves to live. Likewise, in our marital lives, a frequent return as a couple to the union of sexual intimacy makes it possible to give of ourselves in service to each other and be reminded of the commitment we have made to unity and fidelity and love to our marital companion.”

Surely, physical intimacy can be a spiritual experience and it’s wonderful when it is. However, there is more to it than that aspect. Brotherson’s mother described it this way, “…sometimes it was fun, sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it was romantic, sometimes it was spiritual, and sometimes it was just a willingness to love.”

Fidelity in marriage reaps blessings. Physical intimacy in marriage is many wonderful things when used properly.

If you are struggling in these areas, talk with your spouse. Open communication that is direct and respectful helps.

A word to women

We live in a “MeToo” society. Many women suffer from the lusts of men. In some cases, it is wise to seek help for healing from emotional wounds. If you’ve been affected, I hope you find a professional therapist or counselor who can help. Because of the many wrongs against women, some have formed an alliance against men. From one woman (me) to another here is some helpful and healing advice to heed:

“When it comes to sexuality, some wives become very concerned about their “rights,” often speaking of their “right” to say no and yes. But marriage is also a relationship of responsibility and opportunity. In marriage, both partners have the opportunity to give. I believe few wives realize the power they have to help keep their husbands near them physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. On the other hand, I also believe few wives sense the degree of frustration and alienation husbands feel when a wife ignores his needs and interests. I believe a wise and loving Heavenly Father has given a wife the ability to achieve oneness with her husband. The key is unselfishness.”

(They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage,” Brent A. Barlow).

Dr. Victor Cline, former professor of psychology at the University of Utah, noted:

“Some women I see may feel guilty because they are not more sexual or up to their husband's level of need. Or sometimes the husband may feel chagrined or even apologetic because his sexual need is so much greater than his wife's. I have heard endless variations on this theme for countless years. It becomes in time a vicious circle. The cold and angry wife versus the rejected, sexually frustrated, and angry husband.” (How to Make a Good Marriage Great, 1987, pp. 36-37)

Couples who let themselves develop such a cycle of ill will toward each other sabotage the beauty of their love and prohibit themselves from a deep and caring experience of love through sexual fulfillment. It is a self-inflicted pain. Yet it is not inescapable or incurable. It requires a substantial commitment of time, emotional energy, and love to change such patterns and pursue a more loving and satisfying alternative.

Brotherson, S.E. (2003). "Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage." Meridian Magazine, www.meridianmagazine.com.

Words to close on:

When we see sexuality as a vital part of marital harmony and happiness, it becomes more than something we simply give or receive. I like to think of it as something a husband and wife can share. It might be called a sexual guardianship.” (They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage,” Brent A. Barlow).

Game Time

The best games are the ones in which we can learn important life lessons. That’s why this week’s blog is a printable family game.

The central purpose of this game is to encourage understanding each other and loving each other without judging or trying to control or change others. It’s focus is on light humor, which is a great life tool when needing to make repair attempts in conflicts.

The game’s intent is to have family members explore each other’s dreams, learn soothing techniques, encourage listening, as well as cultivate leaders and followers with turn taking. A follower is one who is humble. A leader is one who brings others together. As followers of Christ, we need to be humble so he can bring us together. As marital companions we need to be humble so we can be brought together as the Spirit leads us. As families we need to listen and obey in humility to each family member as we seek to understand their needs and dreams.

As we love our family member as the way they are, strengths are seen. As we love them as they are, they love themselves and confidence is gained. With this righteous confidence based from a Christ center (charity-Christ’s pure love), they desire to improve where they can. As they improve, we have greater opportunities to compliment those strengths and good qualities. It is a heavenward spiral.

There’s no wrong way for the leader in the game to direct. The players should not correct the leader’s way to allow them room for personal growth as well as to encourage outside-the-box ideas. When a critiquing thought arises, take it as an opportunity to compliment and see a strength.

Now, for the game.

Seek to Understand Game Cards

Seek to Understand Game Directions and Rules

Conflicts and Consecration

Every married couple has arguments. I know I do in mine. Actually, I’m probably the one who starts most of them and according to Dr. John Gottman’s research it’s pretty normal for the wife to do that. It doesn’t mean I like it though. I certainly don’t think his findings excuse my behavior. That’s probably because I like having a happy marriage and I want to do whatever I can to maintain it. Maybe you’re like me and want to know what you can do to change or improve. Well, Dr. Gottman has some great suggestions:

1. Soften your start-up.

2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.

3. Soothe yourself and each other.

4. Compromise.

5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.

I think for me, the best place to focus first is to make sure I’m using soft start-ups when I have a complaint. “Complain but don’t blame. Remember: “I feel…”; about what?...; and “I need…”” are Gottman’s suggestions to help your start-up be soft. I don’t want to be harsh, but sometimes my emotions get the better of me and I let them blurt themselves out. Well, I certainly have better manners than that around acquaintances and friends. It’s clearly controllable behavior.

My husband gives every part of himself to our marriage and family. He is humble, forgiving, patient with me, and sacrifices for the good of our marriage. He is not perfect, thus my complaints, but he is one of the best examples I have of managing conflict as well as consecrating himself for us. He is all about loving and serving his spouse. (Gosh, aren’t I lucky?) It’s as if it is natural for him. I don’t know how, but I am sure grateful to be the benefactor. My mom offered me advice before my marriage about my marriage: “Remember to serve him.” I tried not to be offended that she felt like she needed to say that, but as the first few years of marriage passed on, I realized how right she was in pointing that out to me. I was grateful I had such a clear reminder of what I needed to do to improve my happiness in my marriage. I still have to remind myself of my mother’s wise advice. It doesn’t come natural for me. I have to conscientiously think, “Find ways to serve him today.” Those days are happy days! Truly, wonderful days of marital relations. He feels loved, I feel love towards him, AND I feel love from him. It’s happy.

So, yes, conflicts come up but remembering I’m speaking with someone I love, helps me start-up softly and we find resolve through open, loving communication…most of the time. (Hey hey, just being real. I’m not perfect either!)

Citations:

       Gottman, John M., "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" (2015), Harmony Publications

Thoughts on Pride

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we believe in 3 kingdoms of glory as referred to in 1 Corinthians 15:40-42, one compares to the glory of the sun, another the moon and the least compares to the glory of the stars. Celestial, Terrestrial, and Telestial. All are Kingdoms of God’s glory. Think of God’s glory in terms of giving and receiving, gratitude and blessings.

The lesser glories (terrestrial and telestial) do not have eternal family relationships (aka family relationships do not extend past death). It’s not a condemnation, simply a choice; rather, the consequences of mortal choices.

For example, a divorced man I know (we’ll call him Kevin) has more opportunities than he takes to spend time with his children (his family). It is his choice. He could choose to use those opportunities to be with them, but he chooses not to, he chooses something else in their place.

So it is with heaven, we are not condemned to live in lesser glories, it is our choices of where we spend our focus, thoughts, and time. (Refer “To Do Lists of Marriage” blog post).

Just as Kevin misses his children at times, so it is in heaven of a lesser glory. Those feelings do not leave us. It is what we choose in this life, however, what we receive in the next. Consequences are not condemnation of God. They are simply the effects of our causes (choices). We cause/choose what we receive (the effects).

Think of the immense power and joy there exists in the Kingdom of God, His fulness of glory, the celestial glory.

…the power we receive from all the choices we continually effectuate.

Our choices causing the effect (consequence) of receiving the highest of God’s glories. Of course, any glory received is all made possible through Christ’s perfection and sacrifice.

…because clearly, not one of us perfectly makes choices leading to perfection in mortality…

The Only Way to escape the justice that hell calls us by is our Savior, who reached down beneath us to pull us up into a fighting chance of receiving glory. There’d be no hope of glory without him.

Glory is the cycle of giving and receiving, being grateful and blessing, which can only be done with others involved.

Pride is self-focus and can never effectuate glory of God. We have the opportunities within our marriages and families to set aside pride, our self-focus, and replace it with giving and receiving, with gratitude and extending blessings. This is God’s love and glory and it can work in us as we work with others. God’s glory can ONLY work in us as we work with others.

God’s glory does not make a complete cycle (like an electric circuit) with a single person. If a person is only focused on self, there is no cycle of giving and receiving…only expectations and taking. Just like the electric circuit, if there is only a single cord and no connections, there is no light. However, if the single cord is connected to a power source (God), it will have a charge (God’s power) running through it. Why have a charged cord with nowhere to use the power? Connect the single charged cord to another single charged cord, and now you are able to create light because the circuit is complete. The amazing thing is though, more connections can be made with other cords to create even more light!

This picture demonstrates simplistically how God intends a constant flow of His glory (giving and receiving, gratitude and blessings) to work among us, His children…His family.

Working God’s glory together is the way (Christ taught) to learn of and receive his glory.

He extends his love to all of us every family member, living and dead, to do his work…working together.

Christ opened the way for us and showed it to us.

Everything Christ taught and teaches points to the unification of His family. He gave us (gives us) the steps to understand His ways which will unite us.

Pride, self-focus, will never unite anyone. It only destroys. It stops the circuit flow. It pokes holes in the relationship fabric until (if not mended) eventually completely separates, tearing, ripping, destroying the beauty God intended us to create by His Son’s hand.

Beware of pride. “Oh be wise, what can I say more?” (Jacob 6:12).

Staying Emotionally Connnected

Staying Emotionally Connected

So how do you do it? How do you stay emotionally connected with your spouse?

Or with a child? The steps are the same.

Step 1:

It’s all in the little things we all do every day.

·        Do you catch up with each other at the end of the day?

·        Do you watch or read the news together?

·        Do you eat a meal together, breakfast or dinner, maybe lunch?

·        Do you call or think about them during the workday?

·        How about listening to music together?

·        Going on a walk together?

·        Do you exercise together?

·        Do you attend church together?

·        Do you talk or read together?

·        How about that yard work or home repairs?

Start your connectedness with each other’s presence.

Step 2:

Look for bids. Dr. Gottman teaches in his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” within our marriages we are “always making what [he] calls “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support.” He explains that “bids can be as minor as asking for a back rub.” His book goes into detailed efforts one can make with exercises to work together to help couples “turn toward each other instead of away.” The details are worth the read; the exercises can reduce stress in conversations.

Dr. Gottman gives a relatable account of noticing his wife’s negative bid and turning toward her. He heard an audible grunt from the laundry room and asked his wife what was the matter. She responded (with her bid) about how she doesn’t mind washing the laundry, but hates folding it. Instead of turning away from his wife, he acted on her bid and took the clean laundry to their room where he put on some fun music and enjoyed himself while folding the laundry.

Please enjoy this humorous 2017 Superbowl commercial demonstrating the effects of accepting your spouse's bidding.

Bids can very often times come in negative tones and maybe be difficult to respond to in an accepting way, but when we consider our spouse and what they are really feeling behind their tone, it can be easier to look past it and take them up on their bid.

My husband was raised by a father who is attuned to his wife’s bidding, and therefore, my husband is excellent at it as well. I can tell you first hand, that each time, I find myself a little humbler and a little more in love with him. I have to conscientiously hear his bids and act upon them to return the love. It’s tricky at first to become accustomed to your spouses bidding. However, you will begin to hear them more naturally the more you respond to them. The best part is the increased love between you and your spouse. It has become some of the most romantic parts of my day. Small efforts with big rewards. I feel so much love for him when I respond to his bids, and I feel love from him when I see him responding to mine.

“By small and simple things are great things brought to pass.” (Alma 37:6)